To Build a Home
“The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place we can go as we are and not be questioned.”
This Thursday will mark my third month living in my first apartment alone. It wasn’t originally planned this way; I thought I would be moving in with my on-campus roommate of a year and a half. Without getting into specifics, that all changed last December and I was left wondering what the next step was. If you’ve been reading my prior posts, you know that I’m a planner. I’ve always been one to make little checklists in my mind (and on paper) about my goals in life (lately, it’s been along the lines of forcing myself to get up and walk the ten minutes to the nearest grocery store). Living alone at 21 wasn’t something I planned to do and it wasn’t necessarily something I wanted to do without someone at my side.
The first night on my own will always go down in history as one of the scariest. I remember taking notice of all the sounds in the apartment for the first time since my parents left after helping me move in: the ice in my refrigerator thumping in the middle of the night and turning on a tapping sound on the roof that would slowly grow faster and louder and then stop altogether. One of the first things I remember thinking about after my parents left was how empty everything looked. Even with the company of my newly adopted shelter kitty (James Dean), I found myself longing to hear someone else’s voice, to greet them at the door and spend time in my space with another. The silence often got the best of me, giving way to a type of loneliness I hadn’t even felt growing up as an only child.
I spent most of my time month before classes started again cooking and cleaning and doing anything in my power to make the days go by faster and to essentially force a “new home” into feeling like “I’m home.” Three months later, I still have yet to experience that feeling in the way I do in my childhood home. I assume it comes with time and memories. The noises no longer scare me at night, the silence isn’t as loud as it used to be and James Dean greets me with a morning snuggle every morning. It’s beginning to feel something like home - my home! So, if you have recently just made a move on your own (and have been struggling to adjust) just know that with time, things do get better. You’ll get used to the creaking floors, to the thumping of the air conditioner, and the beeping of the dishwasher when a cycle has finished. You will be alright!
Xx, Maya